Then, and Now.

Tonight, after a bottle, our Etta girl snuggled up for some playful smooches and chats. We smiled and giggled at each other while the tears rolled down my cheeks.

One year ago, Travis and I were sitting in this very same spot. But instead of a baby in our arms, we had an adoption binder with notes and handouts, a notebook filled with jotted details of things we didn’t want to forget, and a laptop open to some of the forums I had been following. We were preparing for “the call” with an expectant mama that had chosen us.

Photo by Sarah Karnas Photography

This year, we remember her. We remember how awkward we all started out in our conversation; how easily she got us to laugh; how comfortable we were with her from that very first call. We remember her excitement and pride in sharing the ultrasound pictures and updates with us; the weekend we visited and got to meet each other and grow our relationship. We remember the 4am phone call with anxious urgency; how she continued to call and text until we could be together; how she sent those first pictures of a sweet tiny baby, now sacred images to us; and how she watched over us in those first two days together in her hospital room. We remember how difficult it was to say “goodbye” when she was discharged from the hospital. We reflect on how our relationship has ebbed and flowed with the seasons of life: of grief, of parenthood, and of changes. We are incredibly honored to be able to share updates with each other.

This Mother’s Day, though my heart is filled and bursting with love for this beautiful baby girl, it is also hurting. Mama M chose me to be a mom. She placed her daughter with us. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege will never be lost on me.

We also remember what it felt like to be in ‘the wait’. So this year, we also want to shed light on all the parents who are waiting. Waiting for a positive test. Waiting to carry their baby to term. Waiting to be chosen. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting. We see you. We pray that God carry you in grace and love through this wait; that your soul find comfort; and that you know that you are loved.

To all the mamas in Coretta’s life- Mama M, grandmas, aunties, great-grandmas, daycare mama, friends, and the mamas with us in spirit: we love you. We love you, we love you, we love you.  Happy Mother’s Day.

Photo by Sarah Karnas Photography