Together

For Coretta’s first twelve (and a half) weeks of life, I was with her. Together in the hospital. Together in Nevada. And together here at home. The most time apart we spent, was a couple of hours-maybe a few times.

I need her. I need to feel her head resting on my chest. I need to hear every coo, every cry, every sigh. I need her fingers wrapped around mine. I need to run my fingers through her gorgeous dark hair. I need to whisper in her ear. And I need to kiss her cheeks.

So when our time was up, I couldn’t possibly prepare. For two weeks, I cried. I wanted to cherish every second of our fleeting time together. Every diaper change. Every bottle. Every massage. Every snuggle. And most intensely, every smile. I spent much of those final days just staring at her. Holding her gaze. Smiling at her through the tears pouring down my cheeks. Smiling and telling her how much I love her as those tears landed on her cheeks and head.

I was terrified.

But I was not terrified or scared of the care she would get. I knew Travis would give her all the love she needed, and more. I was not terrified or scared that he wouldn't know what to do. I was not scared that she would miss me.

I was absolutely terrified that she wouldn’t. That the bond we formed; the relationship that we had been growing and shaping; the love that was thick between us, just wouldn’t be the same. That the space, the distance, the time apart would put space, and distance, and time between us. And my heart couldn’t bear it.

Kyra Lee Photography 

And yet....

Here we are.

I did it.

I got up to my alarm instead of her cry. I took a shower and drank some coffee while it was still hot. And I left the house on shaking legs. Alone.

And my heart shattered.

And when the day was done, I came home. And her gorgeous, dark eyes locked on mine. And I knew. I could feel the recognition. I could see the joy. And as I held her once again, pressed to my chest, I could feel all that I feared melt away.

She and I? We are gonna be just fine.

Because I’m her mama.

Even so, each morning is just as hard as the one before it. But each evening, that moment we are reunited, is pure magic.

This little, growing squish is the most incredible thing my heart has ever known. My heart physically hurts when we are apart or when she is sad; and that same heart is ripped open so wide each and every moment we share. We will go on. We will continue to grow and shape our relationship; our love will continue to thicken; and our bond will be forever between us.

I listen to Lauren Daigle “Love Like This” with tears again streaking my face. For “what have I done to deserve love like this?”.

Each night, we will continue to pray. We will continue to thank God for the blessing of our time together. For our snuggles, smiles, conversation, stories, and each second of each other. We will continue to pray each night that God protect and keep her Mama M in His care; that He wrap her in His love and bring her comfort in all that she is. We will continue to pray for God’s grace and love to guide us in all that we do. And that He open our eyes and hearts to all.

Amen.

Kyra Lee Photography