The Next Step

We Made It!

Forgive us, it has been quite awhile since our last update….again. After several months of reading through paperwork, completing forms, then re-completing forms after Travis’ job change, we were finally able to COMPLETE our Master File! When we got the email saying that our file was complete it was a mix of relief but also excited anticipation to have reached another milestone on our journey. After completion, we scheduled our home visit with our wonderful Social Worker! We anxiously anticipated the visit and spent some time cleaning, organizing, and mentally preparing for the unknown….It was a BREEZE! We each had a 1:1 interview, followed by a house tour, and then we were done. Our puppy Cash could tell we were anxious so he curled up on our laps for each of our interviews. Home Study: Complete.

As we reached this milestone, I found myself really struggling. Struggling with wanting to “nest” and prepare for our future child; yet at the same time wanting to guard my heart, knowing that there is still a long road ahead. My emotions were a rollercoaster, to say the least. I would go days/weeks stalking the online groups I am a part of looking for gender neutral newborn items, essentials, and gear. I would then feel guilty and depressed about having all of this stuff and no “due date”. These feelings felt really isolating...most of our friends and family have not experienced this process within adoption so are not able to offer advice or solidarity. So I searched online: reading blogs, looking at agency resources, searching some more, and finally requested to join a group. I was nervous about putting my struggles out there, uncertain about how I would be received. After reading a few other posts I decided this group was a safe space so I sought support and asked what others had done during this challenging time. The responses came flooding in and I was overcome with relief--I had finally found my people! These mamas made me laugh and cry and finally feel like what I was experiencing was “normal”. Here is the response that has stuck with me...and helped me get through the difficult days: “If your heart is hopeful, be hopeful. If it's sad, be sad. Embrace the emotions and don't feel bad about them.” Those words ring so true, not just within adoption, but in life all together.

Our family experienced a great loss during this time. My Godmother and aunt very unexpectedly passed away the night that we submitted our paperwork and scheduled our home visit. I was jolted. But I let myself be sad. I embraced those emotions and the extreme loss that our future child will never be held in Mary’s arms or sent cards on every birthday and holiday; that they will never get to know her. But I also embrace the hopefulness that she was so excited for us at each and every step of the journey and could not wait for us to be parents. She was one of our biggest supporters and advocates and I know we will carry that spirit in our hearts.

Now, we wait.

With the completion of our Master File and Home Visit, we wait. We will feel hopeful some days, sad some days, and then hopeful again. And we will embrace them all. Our Social Worker will be hard at work writing up the report that approves us to adopt. Since our timing happened to fall shortly before the holidays, we are hoping for official approval in early-middle February. While they do their part of the paperwork, we will be compiling a profile books. Our book will be shared with agencies and expectant parents. We hope to share our love for each other, for our families, friends and church, and for our future child all in the pages of this book. I hope and pray that our personalities, souls, and love will seep the pages of those books that will bring us our future child.

But I can’t help but think about the expectant parents that will be paging through those books. I hope and pray that they find strength, clarity, and peace as they make the most difficult decision of their life: choosing a family to parent their child. Thinking about which pictures we want to include, what words we want to write seem somewhat trivial within it all...but then I remember that those pictures and words will be our first introduction to the family that we will be forever connected with. So please send some prayers our way too--that we find the right pictures, and the right words to introduce ourselves and give hope in a time of deep difficulty.